Tuesday, May 12, 2009,
8:17 PM
Time now is 2018hrs.
Alot of people should have thought that I should at Adult choir practising right now. But they are wrong. I am at home now. And I didn't go for the practice. What does that mean? That mean Saturday and Sunday I will not be participating. In fact I don't foresee going back to the Ministry anymore. Don't ask me why. I wouldn't answer you. I have my own reason. Be it that you all say I am ungrateful or immature. But that place is really not for me.
Perhap I will leave the cell group and the church too... But that doesn't mean I don't love God. Because I know some hyprocites will be saying that I am ungrateful with what God give. Just that after one year, the conclusion is I am not suitable here. I really don't want to force myself with something I don't like to do. Or force for the sake of someone and continue to stay. I want to move on. Whatever I do right now is not what I wanted. I want a change in everything.
So for people from S33, do not waste your breathe on this matter. If you still treat me as a friend, do not come and question me why. I do not wish to see you all. And I mean it. It is not your fault. It is not suitable for me in the first place to stay in the Cell Group. Thanks all of you for your concern but let me be what I am. I am who I am. And don't try to use your theory to change me.
To Sandy and Shannon, please remove my blog link from the S33 website.
Moving forward... I will be going to endure all the nonsense at work. Continued to be looked down on. But i promise I will make them regret on what they have done to me.
And at the same time, building music, work toward my dream as an instructor, musician and composer.
Talking about work, I thought abit. Why should I waste my time and do all these when it is actually not necessary? No need to advertise the company. It is not up to me to do so. Whether the company stay up or closed down, or company promote me or fire me, can I make the decision? I think I dun waste time for that. For what? I
don't earn anything and I still have to see the face of the people in my department.
Monday, May 11, 2009,
11:29 PM
Time now is 23300hrs.
Update abit about myself.
Last saturday I went to CNL Wind Ensemble new practising venue which is at Jurong West Street 74. That is also the new church for Centre Of New Life. The building is small and is shared with Victory Family Centre.
When I was there, I was told by the person in charge that I will be one of the key-bearers as I live nearer and will be task with know and train the members and subsequent key bearer on the protocol of the building and so on. At the same time, should there be any emergency, I might be activated and go over to respond accordingly. The procedure are not complicated so should be alright.
Last sunday I had a migraine in the morning. Just don't know why and it just hit me. I was laying in my bedroom for the whole morning until it was better. After I went to check out my work related issue. I am supposed to prepare an email flyer to the customers and update them about coming shipments.
Last night while reading the bible, a verse came in boldly
Proverb 27:1
"Do not boast about tomorrow.
For you do know what a day may bring forth"
I started to ask myself alot of question.
Did I take everyday for granted?
Was I lazy and taken for granted that tomorrow will always come?
Did I expect the unexpected?
And yeah. I ask myself about this.
Do I still want to be a musician?
My friend told me this and I really agreed with her.
What is the things that you want to do if money is not the matter anymore?
Yes I should to be a musician.
But how to make the issue of money not matter anymore?
Can I survive as a musician in wind ensemble or even in orchestra?
Really not easy.
But that is I am going to do next year when I settle my bond with my company.
I want to be a full-pledged musician and instructor.
Today went to attend class.
CUSTOMER SERVICE AND RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT IN LOGISTICS.
I thought it should be quite simple.
And I was wrong. It is not easy because there is alot of theories.
And my examination will be on 25-06-09.
Everything will be moving very fast and project will be due on 01-06-09.
I better be prepared this time round. Friday, May 1, 2009,
9:05 PM
Time now is 2106hrs.
I have been perhap quite depressed.
Working and exam sometime really tired me out. I ask myself over and over again on what I really wanted.
I have been asking question about what I should choose. To cherish or go for what I wanted. Frankly speaking, do I have a choice? Now tell you all what I meant.
To cherish.
When I say to cherish, I mean cherishing on everything I have now. I cherish the hardwork that I do in the logistics line. I cherish all the experiences that I have gone through with Asian Groupage and Zim logistics. Because without them, I am not myself today. I still be lost in direction as I was 4 years ago.
I cherish the church that give me new life. I cherish the friendship I have in the cell group. I cherish the person that I fall in love in the cellgroup (though I believe nothing will happened between us, she have make it clear to me. I am not her cup of tea. Nevertheless, I still love her.) I cherish things and things that have happened between and the group of wonderful of things that have I gone through with them. I cherish the emotions that are real.
Now what do I want?
I want to play music. I want to go around the world and play music. I want to fulfil my dream as a musician and play music that touches people heart. Music that will bring peace. I want to do composition that bring people love together.
I want peace and freedom. I want to be able to do what I want. I want to be rich and health. I don't want to live a life that is lonely. But then again, do I have the choice?
Is it God or Demon that is telling me.
That it is my destiny to be alone throughout of my life. No one will ever understand you. Because you have the reason why you have to be that. But you will be the one who will save the day whenever people need. Yet when you help them, no one will ever appreciate you. You will still be outcasted. Even to the person you loved so deep, she will outcast you. She won't tell you that she outcast you. But it is her action that will prove you correct.
I was think so hard how to change all of these. But finally now I tell myself this. SO WHAT!! I accepted the facts that it will be my life. If my life have to be that pitiful, so be it. I am going to live through it. I know that people will come in and out of my life. I acknowledged that. But I know as long as I cherish the every moment that I have with them, that is good enough.
I know things that are within my control. But this time, I am not running away. I want to walk on. i don't believe that it will be that bad in the land of God. I believe that Him will change everything. Even he don't want to do anything about my life, he is still my God. I will do what he really want me to do.