Friday, May 1, 2009,
9:05 PM
Time now is 2106hrs.
I have been perhap quite depressed.
Working and exam sometime really tired me out. I ask myself over and over again on what I really wanted.
I have been asking question about what I should choose. To cherish or go for what I wanted. Frankly speaking, do I have a choice? Now tell you all what I meant.
To cherish.
When I say to cherish, I mean cherishing on everything I have now. I cherish the hardwork that I do in the logistics line. I cherish all the experiences that I have gone through with Asian Groupage and Zim logistics. Because without them, I am not myself today. I still be lost in direction as I was 4 years ago.
I cherish the church that give me new life. I cherish the friendship I have in the cell group. I cherish the person that I fall in love in the cellgroup (though I believe nothing will happened between us, she have make it clear to me. I am not her cup of tea. Nevertheless, I still love her.) I cherish things and things that have happened between and the group of wonderful of things that have I gone through with them. I cherish the emotions that are real.
Now what do I want?
I want to play music. I want to go around the world and play music. I want to fulfil my dream as a musician and play music that touches people heart. Music that will bring peace. I want to do composition that bring people love together.
I want peace and freedom. I want to be able to do what I want. I want to be rich and health. I don't want to live a life that is lonely. But then again, do I have the choice?
Is it God or Demon that is telling me.
That it is my destiny to be alone throughout of my life. No one will ever understand you. Because you have the reason why you have to be that. But you will be the one who will save the day whenever people need. Yet when you help them, no one will ever appreciate you. You will still be outcasted. Even to the person you loved so deep, she will outcast you. She won't tell you that she outcast you. But it is her action that will prove you correct.
I was think so hard how to change all of these. But finally now I tell myself this. SO WHAT!! I accepted the facts that it will be my life. If my life have to be that pitiful, so be it. I am going to live through it. I know that people will come in and out of my life. I acknowledged that. But I know as long as I cherish the every moment that I have with them, that is good enough.
I know things that are within my control. But this time, I am not running away. I want to walk on. i don't believe that it will be that bad in the land of God. I believe that Him will change everything. Even he don't want to do anything about my life, he is still my God. I will do what he really want me to do.